Connie May Fowler, When Katie Wakes

When Katie Wakes
by Connie May Fowler
Doubleday
ISBN: 0-385-50201-X

writer's truth often lies thinly veiled behind her works of fiction. In her novel, Before Women Had Wings, author Connie May Fowler's young character, Bird, grapples with the confused life of an abused child. But in When Katie Wakes, Fowler comes clean with her past in this painful and brave memoir. She writes with an intimate honesty about her experiences as a child witnessing the demise of her parents' violent marriage, the poverty she and her family share after the death of her father, the beatings and verbal abuse from her bitter and crazed alcoholic mother, and her life as a scarred young woman in search of love that has eluded her most of her life.

The word "shame" appears frequently throughout the book — shame of growing up poor white trash, while becoming an over-achiever in school activities. Shame for the ugliness of a mouth full of "Rabbit Face buck teeth" that brings taunts from classmates and her mother. Later, there is the shame of finding herself following in her mother's footsteps — becoming a battered woman who hides bruises and cigarette burns with scarves and makeup. And there's plenty of self-blame mixed in.

Fowler is young and wounded when she meets her future abuser at Bennigan's where she tends bar. He promises to "show her the ropes," turn her into a writer. They'll script movies together, and she is eager to buy in. He is an over-the-hill, unemployed, alcoholic, un-named Tampa radio personality. Before long he moves into her apartment, glowing with projects that never come to fruition while she pays the rent and payments on his silver Audi. He is given to alcoholic rages and the beatings and verbal abuse begin — behavior that eerily parallels that of her mother's.

Fower's narrative is primarily directed to her abuser, but she dips into the past to scoop up stories of her parents' frightening marriage and extensive verbal abuse from her mother, plus her life-long hatred of her physical appearance. She courageously lays bare the ugliness of her role as the co-dependent caretaker of her doomed alcoholic mother, dealing with endless cleaning of vomit, the all-night drinking binges and crying jags. And then, on her deathbed, Fowler's mother's last words to her are "Go To Hell."

Occasionally, there's a glimmer of humor. She describes one of the beatings by her adult abuser: "One, two, three — kick! One two three — kick!. We must have looked like a sadistic version of Fred and Ginger."

Providence arrives on four legs in the form of a black puppy named Katie, the friend who offers her unconditional love and protection. When she secures a position as editor at a local magazine, her skills and success there provide the base for her blooming self-esteem and the growing realization that she has alternative choices. She dares to form new friendships and meets her future husband, photographer Mika Fowler.

She opens a secret bank account to pay for the surgery required to repair her jaw and teeth. But when she discovers that the funds have been pilfered by her abuser, things start to change:

"What I am beginning to understand is this: I have to learn how to take responsibility for my own happiness, for my own sense of self-worth, for my own idea of what my place in the world should be."

This book is courageously candid. Fowler's writing packs a direct punch, without wallowing in self-pity. Connie May Fowler lives in Florida, where she and her husband Mika are co-founders of the Connie May Fowler Women With Wings Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to aiding women and children in need.