Holiday Gifts

Martin Field

 

Quotes

May we all be alive this time next year - Irish toast

 

Wine washes away the dreary dust of life - Anon

 

Last minute gift ideas

Psychobabblometer (tm): The PBM(tm) is a handy, key chain-sized optical character recognition device for the wine consumer. Simply run the scanner attachment over a wine column or the back label on a wine bottle and inbuilt software* will read and automatically detect wine waffle, pseudo-science and outright garbage and translate it into plain English. (*Based on early but now outdated bullshit detector technology.)

 

Example 1: Back label reads 'Stylish and vibrant cool climate pinot noir. Perfume of violets. Silky tannins underpin flavours of dark cherry and strawberry, slight farmyard gaminess. Serve with pheasant in aspic.'

 

PBM(tm) translation: 'Dilute raspberry cordial, well-browned at the edges. As for the nose and palate, does the term 'decayed wombat' ring a bell? If the shop you bought it from won't refund your money, serve it with leftovers to unwanted guests who have overstayed their welcome.'

 

Example 2: Wine review reads 'Toasty chardonnay with integrated yet restrained oak. Textured malolactic aspects add a soft and buttery richness. A cornucopia of figs, melons and peaches. Cellar confidently for five years.'

 

PBM(tm) translation: 'This hideous concoction of fermented oak juice, an odd clone of chardonnay and 15% growth-hormone-boosted sultana has aromas/flavours redolent of rancid artificial butter best suited to cinema popcorn. The quality is quite unrelieved by infusions from giant teabags of carbonised wood chips. Finishes with a hint of poorly composted tropical fruits. The vintage date was the use by date. Will suit the most undiscerning palate.'

 

PBM(tm), $19.95, available at all good department stores.

 

Book: You want to give someone that special, yet hard to come by, wine book that you read at your local library. Trouble is it's out of publication and you can't buy a second-hand copy anywhere. Or you find one but it's too damn expensive for the friend you're thinking of. Here's what to do. Borrow it from the library again just before Christmas. Wrap it nicely. Write on the gift card: 'Must be returned by (due date) to (insert appropriate) address'. Enclose a couple of postage stamps if you're feeling really generous.

 

Travellers' aid: Many of us will be travelling considerable distances by air, road or car over the holidays. A consequence of the long trip is the necessary and unavoidable consumption of bland, often execrable food served by airlines, roadside cafes etc. The answer? Buy your loved one/s a small bottle of chili sauce to carry on all journeys with which to enliven and/or disguise the near inedible. For a variation on Tabasco try Tapatío.

 

Health bulletin

In this approaching holiday season we are all prone to eating and drinking to excess. In the interests of a cleansed system we can now point you (thanks to Will of Seoul) to an appropriate article in the Korea Times (Eastern Medicine) How to Block or Open the Bunghole. Warning: not suitable for children; do not read before a long lunch.

 

Feedback

Hi Martin, Thanks for the regular updates on wine news. I thought you might be interested to read this article [Seven components in wine] that I found in a local Korean newspaper - Korea Times. Before reading this article I had never thought of referring to the tastes tofu or buttermilk in order to describe a wine. I guess it makes sense to use local flavours, though?  Cheers! Will, Seoul, Korea.

 

Thanks for that thought Will. One wonders what associative terms for wine are used by Arctic Circle dwellers. Whale meat? Seal blubber?

 

Seasons Greetings

May I leave you with the following heart-warming message passed on to me by Ken Gargett (author unknown).

 

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer (or winter, as the case may be) solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped to make Australia great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, political belief, choice of computer platform or sexual preferences of the wishee. By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

Martin Field