Y'know what man? We're all just prawns on the checkerboard of life

Soul singer Lucas McPherson - discussing fate, over a smoke and bottle of Thunderbird, London, circa 1968. (NB Outside the USA read draughtboard for checkerboard).

Murder is simply extroverted suicide - suicide merely introverted murder

Martin Field, contemplating the after-effects of an excess of northeast Victorian reds, extrapolates upon the works of Jung and Freud. (Well it's no worse than some of their aphorisms!).

Classic wine rip-offs

Lesson - Sommeliers 101 - How to extract more cash from unsuspecting diners.

Ten of us went to a Lygon Street cafe the other night for a quick supper - a bowl of pasta and a glass of wine. We ordered two bottles of red and the sommelier started pouring, too generously as it turned out.

They were those large wine glasses, with an etched logo on the side. The glass is usually filled to the bottom of the logo to give a measured serve. Most restaurateurs work on a portion control of between 120ml and 150ml per glass, that is, between 6.25 and 5 glasses per 750ml bottle, but the average is usually six glasses per bottle. If you're buying by the glass however, you're lucky if the wine reaches the logo.

But, we were buying by the bottle and she sloshed away extravagantly - to well above the mark. Consequently, guest number nine got short rations and the two bottles were empty before guest number 10 was served.

"Gosh!" said the waitress (a tad disingenuously). "The bottle's empty. Can I get you another one?" We said no and a bit of sharing and pouring from glass to glass ensued.

The lesson? When you suspect that waiters are deliberately over-pouring, tell them politely to go away "We'll serve ourselves, thanks." And add, telepathically, "Don't expect a tip."

Wine etiquette

"Dear E-vine - my husband is terribly clumsy, I cannot count the number of times he's spilt red wine on his clothes and the furniture and the carpet. The stains are almost impossible to remove. Also, our remnants of Waterford crystal are a disgrace, all chipped around the rims. Can you advise?" 'Fed-up', Toorak.

Not really - I have the same lack of coordination as your beloved - and accordingly, have dyed all my shirts to a rich burgundy, edged in a hue somewhat reminiscent of sauce bolognaise. A colour curiously similar to my once-grey beard. When I wear a tie (infrequent) it is a leather one and various dribbles wipe off easily with a sponge or table napkin wetted with a solvent…preferably a decent after-dinner brandy.

I drink wine out of dishwasher-proof goblets made in Szechuan that I buy from the local $2 shop. I usually prefer to let someone clean up after me.

You could try the suggestions at Wine stain removal (Unilever) and How to remove wine stains - at Stratsplace.com. Next time you serve dinner however, I suggest that you pour your husband's most expensive red into a heavy-based, pewter beer mug and bid him, "Gesticulate wildly to your heart's desire."

Send your questions on wine and etiquette to E-vine.

Calorie counting

According to Allan Borushek's Pocket Calorie and Fat Counter (published by Family Health Publications), a typical 120ml serve of red wine (12% alcohol) contains 335 kilojoules (80 calories). White wine with the same alcohol content contains 315 kilojoules (75 calories). A 375ml can of Foster's Lager (4.9% alcohol) contains 630 kilojoules (150 calories). A 60 gram Mars Bar contains 1135 kilojoules (270 calories).

The moral? Next time you're on a diet and tonguin' for a snack, forego the chocolate and sip from a glass of wine or a can of beer.

NB Tonguin' : archaic Queenslandese for a craving or thirst.

Tasted recently

Seppelt Corella Ridge Chardonnay 1998

Victorian regions. Pale, faint greenish edge. Toasted oak, then mature fruit on the nose. Dryish, full-bodied mouth-filling style. Finishes with soft acid. K K K . Cellar to 2003. $AU15.00

Redgate Sauvignon Blanc Reserve 2000

Margaret River, Western Australia. Light yellow. A wooded or "fum

© Martin Field