short while back I was asked to speak at a Wine Press Club of Victoria dinner. I chose to offer a few excerpts from my diary - here are my notes from that evening.
I should start by introducing myself. Im an independent freelance wine writer. You all know what a freelancer is. The Dole Office defines us as part-time, self-unemployed. Nevertheless Im reasonably busy. In the 1930s an American writer - whose name Ive forgotten - was quoted as saying No-one has ever worked out how to get paid to drink for a living. Im living proof that he was wrong. Now, I have sometimes been accused of writing facetiously, even cynically, and of not taking the wine industry seriously. Just to show you that these aspersions are totally without foundation I will describe for you a typical working day.
Tuesday. Memo to self: Have to get into shape and improve the image. Im presenting the pilot of a new show for SBS-TV, Working title, The Wine Swillers Guide to Binge Drinking. Also have to finish production planning for next years Melbourne Binge Festival. Were producing this as an alternative to the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival
6a.m. Alarm goes off. Leap out of bed and gulp cocktail of tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, absinthe, Berocca and soluble aspirin. Leap back into bed for 20 minute power nap followed by 10 minutes of meditation.
6.30a.m. Half an hour at the gym with my personal trainer. She says my pecs need work and that the six-pack stomach is starting to look more like an overfilled 5 litre wine cask. Followed immediately by wine-spitting practice in the shower - we have a competition to hit the plughole. Her accuracy is unbelievable.
7a.m. Breakfast. Half a bottle of chilled Krug Clos du Mesnil mixed with freshly squeezed orange juice, sipped from my sample Riedel 'Navel orange juice tumbler. Riedel claim they have designed this 1.1 litre glass to bring out nuances of the navel orange - Im both impressed and excited.
The Doc tells me that my cholesterol count is dangerously low. So on to my favourite breakfast dish of Eggs Benedictine, Sin Carne, Con Kelloggs. Its a sort of dish of eggs with an egg sauce containing a snifter of Benedictine - without ham but topped with crumbed Nutrigrain. I think this was Jill Ds idea or was it Donnas?how they dream them up Ill never know. Wacky and zany - but it works. Thanks Jill, or Donna. I wash the eggs down with a decaf, skim soy, reverse machiato from the mini Gaggia Im testingwith just a splash of Hardy's XO Brandy as a heart-starter.
Latest blood test shows that my liver is fine. At first I wasnt sure about the operation. But the new organ is a triumph of trans-species transplantation. A genetically modified, in-vitro-fertilised, embryonic stem cell liver - extracted humanely from a drugged yet compliant dingo and nurtured to full size in the pouch of a cloned bandicoot
Although I called the surrogate carrier simply Bandicoot, the supervising surgeon knew her affectionately as Bush-Tucker - a touch more intimate than Rat-like Marsupial Mother I suppose. (See his recipe below.) Note. Get back to Crippens Museum of Bizarre Surgical Offcuts - theyve asked me to donate the old liver.
8a.m. Image time - appointment with the hairdresser for a minor dye-job on the hair-transplant and remodelling of my modish rock star sideburns. Must buy more mousse - the supply is running low.
9a.m. Off to the tailor - need a new slim-line corduroy jacket with leather patches on sleeves. Must ask him to let out the bottom of my RM Williams moleskin trousers. (Note. Ask personal trainer to work harder on my gluteus maximus). Then Ill pick up the RM Williams Cuban Heels from shoe shop - that extra half inch of height should make me look good at the pilot shoot.
10a.m. Home again to attend to correspondence. Hmmm, an invitation from cork producers for an all-expenses paid trip to Portugal. Damn! It clashes with an invitation to visit screwcap manufacturers in France. How to choose? Check which one is flying first class.
10.30a.m. Postman arrives with the days wine deliveries. Gym workouts prove useful as I lug seven cases of samples and 42 polystyrene bottle post packs from the front porch to the
11a.m. Phoned publishers editor re my novel in progress, a black comedy called Freaks, Winegeeks and Two Charred Barriques" Should appeal to Generation X, hip, youngish drinkers like myself. Re-worked plot with her: a blackmail/murder mystery about a winemaker retrenched in the big DaisyHill corporate makeover following his failed love affair with an ingnue brand manager. He plans and then executes his dastardly revenge - the use of a hot air balloon to bomb the pristine environs of DaisyHills Yarra Valley winery with phylloxera-infested vine cuttings, posing the while as a teetotal, cross-dressing German tourist.
Final chapter features a devastating flood at a local salad leaf processing plant - caused by the deranged winemakerá³’s sabotage of DaisyHills giant holding tanks. One filled with a slightly acetic cool climate pinot noir and the other with a fruity extra virgin olive oil. Last scene shows thrifty Valley peasants bottling this impromptu vinaigrette as it runs through the gutters.
Could be a movie in it. Check with agent. Phone Frankie Coppola Casting for love interest: Brad and Jennifer are a definite maybe - call them back. Might be a role for me as Brads stand-in. Practice falsetto German accent. Celine likes the opening bars of theme I penned in anticipation of deal, Somewhere Over a Vineyard.
11.30a.m. Deliver weekly collection of used corks to Guides Australia for recycling. Must be over 300 in the bag. This has become a chore but good for my green cred.
12.30p.m. A light lunch - Ezard at Adelphi - with the editor of Gosh! He says lunch is on the magazine and asks me to order the wine. As its a working lunch I order modestly. A magnum of Bolli, the Penfolds RWT Shiraz and a half bottle of Bill Chambers Special Muscat. I notice the editors eyes moisten in gratitude at my restraint. Luckily he has his ID card as the sommelier asks if hes underage - but compliments him on the height of his quiff and the unique and the stylish way he wears his Ray-Bans on top of his head.
3.30p.m. Back to the home office to write a lecture on writers ethics for journalism students at RMIT. The topic is Do wine writers ever experience conflicts of interest? The answer is of course a resounding No! Luckily I have lots of expertise at this. Ill just run my list of current commitments past them. Let me see: wine writer, wine judge, wine publicist, wine company consultant, wine marketer, wine company shareholder, winery co-owner, government wine lobbyist. That should be enough, dont want to confuse them. Ill call it Ethics, Schmethics!
4p.m. Expect phone call re spin doctoring consultancy for the National Wine Center Hope theres a few bucks left in the kitty.
4.30p.m. Meeting with Screwpull R&D team. They need my help on the design of their new Screw-Screw product - a Teflon-coated, semi-automatic, hand-operated device for removing screw-caps from bottles of premium wine. First Ill lighten em up with the latest joke: What do you say to a sommelier who brings you a faulty bottle of screw-capped wine? Waiter this wine is screwed! Pause here for laughter. Then Ill suggest a revolutionary point of difference that will allow the Screw-Screw to replace the cap on an unfinished bottle. The point of difference? Design the Screw-Screw to twist clockwise as well as anti-clockwise! Could be huge. Hope to negotiate royalty points.
5p.m. Short phone call to my broker to dispose of remaining parcels of online wine share options; then just enough time for a short nap, followed by a Shiatsu massage courtesy of the personal trainer.
8p.m. Dinner: choice of wine launch dinners at Ondine, Circa, Radii... have accepted them all but most promising is Ondinethe publicist is sending a limo and I hear that well be coming home with a few samples. Should I cancel the others? Nah, keep em guessing its a food and wine writers thing.
11.30 p.m. Get in an early night. Personal trainer comes round for Kundalini yoga relaxation session. Nightcap calls for a nice hot cup of cocoaand a triple shot of Maker's Mark to wash down half a Viagra, one Xenical, two Zantac and a Prozac NB. Chat to drug companies re creating one pill containing all these components - I think were talking mega-bucks.
Feeling quite mellow after a quiet day. Hope things pick up next week.
Creamed Bandicoot Take a two-kilogram bandicoot, (as this is a protected and endangered species the best source is fresh roadkill), a blade of mace, small carrot, pint of milk, tablespoon of minced onion, one clove, half an ounce of butter, teaspoon of flour. First hang, skin, draw and quarter your bandicoot. Place joints in casserole with all ingredients except butter and flour. Cover assorted bandicoot bits with milk and bake - with lid on - in moderate oven for one and a half hours. Make a roux with butter, flour and hot milk and pour over cooked joints artistically arranged on dish, garnish with chopped parsley. As readers may know, this writer is a no-meat, no-fish diner. He has found that this dish works quite well for vegetarians if the bandicoot is omitted (though it can be a tad bland). Serve with a Sardinian grenache. This recipe (slightly re-worded by MF) is from New Standard Cookery Illustrated, edited by Elizabeth Craig, Odhams Press Limited, London 1933.
Patron Saint of drunksAnd a message to all those Brethren and Sistren among you who are of a religious persuasion. Let us pause on November 11 to offer a libation in honour of the feast day of my namesake, St. Martin of Tours Patron Saint of drunks and winemakers.
TastingsOrlando Steingarten Riesling 2001. Cellar to 2012. About $20. Silver. Barossa Valley. Pale, greenish. Restrained floral and lemon bouquet. Elegant dryish style, light citric and dried pear flavours, minerally finish. Orlando suggest up to 30 years cellaring potential. Lovely aperitif or light entre white.
Kangarilla Road Chardonnay 2002. Cellar to 2005. About $13. Bronze. McLaren Vale. Very light gold. Ripe melons and peaches on the nose. Mid-weighted, bursting with sweet fruit character; oak is unobtrusive, mild acid at the finish. Approachable easy drinking white to suit lighter dishes.
Rubico Red Vino da Tavola. Drink now. About $6. Bronze Tuscany. Ruby red. Youthful fruity nose. Light dry red with soft tannins, savoury middle and a tangy firm finish. Likeable, bargain-priced pasta wine. Importers: Mediterranean Wholesalers, 482 Sydney Rd. Brunswick, Victoria.
Metcalfe Valley Shiraz 2000. Cellar to 2006. About $15. Silver Macedon. Deep crimson, purple edge. Lifted nose of berries, spice and mint. Well-structured, cool climate style, if a bit young to drink yet. Attractive blackberry fruit, underpinned with American oak, leads to a firm finish showing forward acid. Nicely priced, promising red from newish winery. Email cellar door.
© Martin Field